


Globe-Trotting and Monster Mercenaries

by ArmataStrigoi



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Comedy, Demon Spy, Dullahan Demoman, F/M, Female Pyro, Half-Demon Scout, M/M, Male Pyro, Monster Hunters, Plant Monster Sniper, Relationships to be added in the future, The Medic is Dr. Frankenstein, Troll Heavy, Zombie Soldier, monster au, pyrokinesis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:47:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28585218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArmataStrigoi/pseuds/ArmataStrigoi
Summary: Just a little speculative story. What if the mercs were monsters? A pack of monster hunters hired by RED and BLU must hunt down these dangerous creatures and... try to get them onto their side.
Relationships: Demoman/Medic's Wife (Team Fortress 2), Heavy/Medic (Team Fortress 2)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The journey has to begin somewhere...

Prologue

* * *

It was a normal day in the RED office, except...

The centerpiece of the office that day was a huge map with nine pushpins sticking out of it. Anne, a secretary, stared at it.

"What's this?" she asked.

A man in a suit approached her. "Well, we thought about recruiting special mercenaries."

Anne groaned. "You couldn't make a classified ad?"

The man shook his head. "The monsters would strike fear into the enemies' hearts."

"Monsters?" Anne shrieked. She stamped her foot.

"Don't look at me!" The man said. "I didn't make the plans."

Anne looked at a sheet of paper on the desk. It was a trip itinerary. The dates were strange. Road trips one way... plane trips other ways.

A couple men passed by, carrying enough suitcases to sink a ship.

Anne sulked to her desk. "They better not drag me on this fool's errand."

She opened a desk drawer and an envelope fell out. She opened it.

And uttered a quiet curse.

* * *

She found herself sitting on a crowded bus to New York hours later.

This was going to be a long trip.


	2. Striking a Match

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first monster lurks in New York, but are the hunters ready to feel the heat?

Anne half-expected their trip to take them to the wilderness, not a decrepit insane asylum. The place looked over a century old. Her bosses mentioned something about "experimental treatments".

The bus door opened. A pack of burly men stood by the door, watching as each team member left.

Anne looked over her shoulder. Another bus had pulled up. BLU?

Once the RED team left, the men approached the bus.

Anne looked over her shoulder. The BLU secretary, Betsy, looked at her.

* * *

The teams had to stay outside while the leaders met with the doctors. Anne stepped in. She couldn't believe the guards fell for the whole "I have to go to the bathroom" excuse.

The team leaders and a couple doctors were in the lobby. A heavily sedated patient in a straitjacket sat on a chair. He had strange goggles over his eyes.

"Just think, we'll have our very own Pyromaniac," one of the leaders said. "What did you do to make him so... calm?"

"Well, we gave him something special..."

Anne sneaked past the guard. She rushed down the ward. A cell door opened. Anne came face to face with a nearly identical patient: shaven head, strange goggles, gaunt features.

"Are you coming to take me away?" she asked.

Anne screamed.

* * *

The patient in the chair stirred.

"Has your secretary found the bathroom?" A nurse asked.

Anne ran screaming towards the door, the patient following behind.

"Come back!" The patient said. "I want to leave!"

A couple orderlies grabbed the patient.

The head doctor, a stringy, pale man, glanced at the patient. "Well, Paula, we can't have you escape." Paula was shoved into a chair beside her brother.

"Now, where were we?" The doctor said.

Peter, the straitjacketed patient, raised his head. He turned to his sister.

"Shall we give them rainbows?" Peter asked.

Paula giggled. "Yes."

* * *

Anne left the asylum. Some men on the bus had taken the time for a smoke break. The bus reeked. Anne watched as smoke wafted from the building.

"Fire!" Anne screamed.

* * *

The entire RED and BLU Hunters scrambled out of the asylum, followed by a throng of patients. The building burst into flames.

Peter and Paula walked out, smiling. The goggles still were strapped to their face.

"We showed them rainbows," Paula said.

* * *

The two team heads... butted heads... over who was going to get which twin. Both wanted Peter, but someone had to get his sister.

After much debate, which included threats to throw the other into the inferno, a young intern decided to flip a coin. Heads, Red. Tails, Blue.

Everyone circled around the two, anxious to find out the outcome.

Tails. The blue leader beckoned Peter to a special enclosure designed to keep him comfortable during transport.

RED had one built for Paula too.

* * *

Anne climbed back on the bus. She cracked open a window to let the smoke out.

"Those twins," a hunter remarked. "Can control fire with their minds."

* * *

Anne felt very uncomfortable on the bus. Driving all the way to Texas from New York? And for what, she had no clue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Paula were based on my indecision. Girl Pyro? Boy Pyro? One of each.


	3. Detour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team stops for a night in Boston. Is that local boy really half-demon?

Detour

* * *

The bus stopped. "Where are we?" Anne asked.

"Well, I thought we'd make a couple stops before we arrive in texas," one of the team heads said. "Welcome to Boston."

Everyone left the bus, headed toward a roadside hotel.

The concierge was some bratty young man named Jeremy.

"All right," he groaned. "Rooms are upstairs and..."

An intern reached for a baseball card on the walls. "Touch that and I'll beat your freakin' head in."

"Jeremy!" A woman's voice said.

"Oh, sorry." Jeremy said.

* * *

Anne had a room to herself. It was quite improper for an unmarried woman to room with any of the men.

She made the decision to walk down the road to a local diner.

The RED team head was talking with the hotel's owner: Francine.

"Jeremy's a nice boy, but he can get a little rambunctious," Francine said. She paused. "He'd like to see the outside world."

A spellbook lay on a pedestal by Francine.

Francine tapped the book. "What's this for?" the RED team head asked.

"Oh, I met a handsome demon while on Vacation in France," Francine replied. "He gave me the book so we'll be able to stay in touch."

An image in the mirror made Anne nearly knock a potted plant over. A man in a suit, but with bat wings, stared back at her. He smiled and disappeared.

* * *

Anne left the hotel. Jeremy appeared beside her.

"Hey," Jeremy said. "Can I show you some place to eat?"

Anne nodded. 

Jeremy pointed at a hot dog cart. "Ain't the fanciest thing, but Carl makes the best hot dogs around."

Carl was a large hairy balding guy. Jeremy rushed up to the front. "I'll take one with the works." He turned to Anne. "And what would you like?"

Anne looked at the menu. "I'd like one with ketchup and mustard."

Carl smiled. His walrus mustache twitched. "Comin' right up."

Jeremy and Anne sat down on a bench.

"What brings yo into town?" Jeremy asked.

"My bosses want an army of monsters," Anne said.

"Monsters?" Jeremy asked. "Do half-demons count?" Jeremy closed his eyes. Small bat wings sprouted from his back.

Anne blinked. "I guess so."

* * *

In the morning, Anne approached her superiors. "Jeremy's a monster. He's half-demon."

The man lowered his pen. "I'm filling out the paperwork to have him join the team."

Commotion upstairs. Jeremy was dragging an entire room's worth of suitcases behind him. A baseball bat stuck out of one.

"All right! Need a scout! I'm the man for the job."

Francine watched as Jeremy walked down the stairs.

"Did anyone put in an ad for a replacement concierge?" an intern asked.

Francine was already dialing the number for the newspaper. "I'm on it."

She looked at Jeremy. "Have fun. Stay out of trouble."

"Okay, ma!" Jeremy called back.

* * *

The bus trembled after a stop at a gas station. Onward to the next location.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to give Scout's mom a name in this.


	4. Tomb of the Undead Soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two down, seven to go. And this one's been waiting for over twenty years...

Over cocktails at a bar somewhere in the Midwest, the teams decided to let their recruits find the monsters.

Of course, a bratty half-demon and a couple of escaped mental patients would be fine on their own... or so the teams hoped.

Jeremy, Paula and Peter made their way out of the hotel.

Paula pointed one finger towards a cemetery. "I sense something... there."

Jeremy shuddered. Graveyards always freaked him out.

Peter and Paula approached a gravestone. Mr. Jane Doe. The only date visible was the year 1943. Decorations revealed that the deceased died during the war.

Jeremy approached the tombstone for a closer look. A hand reached up from the ground. Jeremy staggered backward, nearly knocking over one of the twins.

A man in a rotting military uniform rose from the grave. He stood up

And saluted.

He moved his neck. A sickening crack filled the air.

Jane noticed a worm crawling on his arm. "Did I give you permission to eat me, maggot?" He ripped the worm off his arm and tossed it to the ground.

Jeremy rushed forward. "Hey, dead guy!" he said.

Jane's neck twisted in an impossible angle. "Do not address a superior officer that way, private."

Jeremy screamed and ran out of the cemetery, Paula and Peter right behind him.

* * *

Jane lumbered after them. "What is it with kids these days? Don't they have any respect?"

* * *

Anne caught sight of the three. "Did you find something?"

Jeremy shook his head. "Something found us!" He pointed one finger at the zombie soldier.

One of the team members was enjoying a nice slab of barbecue ribs at a table outdoors. Jane lumbered over to the plate and snatched them.

"Waiter!" the man said.

"I thought Zombies ate brains, not ribs," another team member said.

* * *

After his meal, Jane threw the bones in a nearby trash can.

He turned to the team head.

"Excuse me, sir," a team member said. "Would you like to join us?"

"And what is your mission?" Jane asked.

"We want... mercenaries," the man said.

"So, War?" The dead man's eyes sparkled. "I'd be honored to fight once more!" Jane paused to rip a couple of maggots off his skin.

Jeremy groaned. "Do I have to travel next to the zombie?" His reply was a team leader bringing out a coffin.

"If I am to work for you, I demand you call me the Soldier!" Jane replied.

An assistant scrawled down "SOLDIER" In place of the name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the team's 1/3 assembled.


	5. The Wizard of Texas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Metal, Magic? How about both?

Each mercenary was assigned a class after Soldier's outburst. Jeremy became Scout, Paula and Peter became Pyro A and Pyro B. The twins hated their new assignments and asked Jeremy call them by their names.

The bus's next stop was some Texan small town. Bee Cave? While the hunters were busy drinking beer and playing darts, Scout and the Pyros went off in search of someone the locals called "The Wizard" Soldier wouldn't be joining the group until sundown.

* * *

Dell raised a cup of coffee to his lips. His living room had countless bookshelves, mostly filled with machine books, with the odd magical tome squeezed in.

It was late. The animals were asleep, but what was that knock at his door? He got up from a chair and opened the door.

Soldier stood in the doorway. He saluted.

"And what's the meaning of this?" Dell asked.

"I want to recruit you," Soldier said.

Dell raised an eyebrow. How did a zombie get past his defenses? He did program his sentries to shoot every warm body.

Zombies weren't warm.

* * *

Paula peeked out from behind a stack of boxes.

* * *

"There's a war going on, and we need your technology!" Soldier explained.

Dell stroked his chin. "Well, they ain't good pest control devices."

* * *

The hunters came to collect Dell, now called Engineer. He turned to a large sentry, muttering a few words. The machine slowly began to dismantle itself and the pieces landed in a carrying case.

The hunters stared. "What? It's something I learned from reading."

* * *

Engineer spotted a map on the bus.

"I think you're going to need some tips on what you'll face next," he said to the man sitting beside him.

The bus pulled up in front of the airport. The monsters, and the hunters, were off to Edinburgh.

The head of the team got a thick book placed in his lap. With a particular section bookmarked.

Engineer looked back at his farm. His magic school dropout cousin was a better farmer than a wizard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's an update. Next one will get a little more interesting.


	6. Black Headless Cyclops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reports of a Headless Rider in Scotland... loves bombs and booze...

The group hadn't even spent an hour in Scotland before a few bored office workers wanted to visit the local pubs.

A barmaid warned them about staying out after dark. Something about a mean Dullahan who rides through the streets. He had a nasty habit of tormenting anyone who ventured outdoors with bombs and firecrackers.

Of course, the hunters wanted him on their team. Their very own Demoman Dullahan.

* * *

The assembled team had their own plans to get the headless rider onto their side. Engineer decided to turn some discarded scrap into a functioning brewery. Mainly to calm his nerves.

Scout and the Pyros stayed behind in the hotel while Soldier and Engineer went off in search of the monster.

* * *

A hideous whinny followed by hoof beats made the two stop in their tracks.

"Is that the Dullahan?" Engineer asked.

"Bah, probably a local brat making noise," Soldier replied. "I don't believe in monsters." He paused. "I see the irony of that statement."

A lit firecracker whizzed by Engineer's ear. Some kind of whip snatched a bottle of homemade booze out of his hand.

Engineer turned to face the Dullahan: a dark-skinned man dressed in full Scottish regalia astride a hideous black stallion.

"Ach, I missed," the Dullahan said. He wore a patch over one eye. The creature looked at the bottle of alcohol in his hand. "And what's this?"

Engineer watched in utter horror as the creature dumped the full bottle down the hole in his neck. He tossed the empty bottle to Engineer.

"Best drink ah've had in centuries!" the Dullahan said.

Engineer smiled. "I can always get you more?"

The dark eyes of the Dullahan sparkled. "Tell me."

* * *

Engineer and Soldier walked back to the hotel. Tavish, the Dullahan, was steps behind them.

"Must you bring the horse?" Soldier asked.

"Ah can't leave Scrumpy behind. He'll terrorize the locals," Tavish replied.

* * *

It was very unorthodox to befriend an evil faerie with liquor, but the team had bigger plans.

Like what about reports of a demon in France? A shapeshifting trickster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Dullahan is normally an Irish monster, but I took some liberties.


	7. Shapeshifter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a demon 'round here...

Ah, France. Demoman was too busy going on a liquor tour to worry about catching the demon: Mendax.

Scout and the the two Pyros were in the process of holding a seance to summon him. The chalk sigil was a little wiggly: Peter's goggles made it hard to read.

"We call upon you, great deceiver!" Scout said.

* * *

Engineer had set up his makeshift brewery in the hotel room. Soldier slept in a coffin while Demoman had a room next door.

Something weird happened after coming back from breakfast. Someone had damaged his makeshift brewery.

A tall, slim winged man appeared behind him.

Engineer whirled around.

"Did you do this?" he asked.

Mendax laughed. "Why of course."

"Who summoned you?"

"It doesn't matter who summoned me," Mendax said. "I'm in the mortal realm... for good. Hell has abysmal cigarettes and don't get me started on the food there." He paused to light up a cigarette.

Engineer had left the door open just a crack. One of the hunters passed by.

"Uh, Dell, you okay?"

"Nothing, just talking with a demon."

"Demon?"

* * *

It took a few hunters armed with crosses to convince Mendax to leave the room. Also, it was around lunchtime and Mendax was dying for a Croque Monsieur and a tall cup of coffee.

Anne sat across from Mendax.

"What are your abilities?" she asked.

"Shape-shifting," Mendax replied.

"We could use someone to fool the enemies," Anne said.

"Like a spy?" Mendax asked.

* * *

Just like that Mendax became Spy. Using a demon's true name gives one power over the demon.

Scout climbed back onto the bus (A different one than the one they used in America). "This guy's my dad?" he asked.

"I was expecting someone with more class," Spy sneered.

"Next stop," the driver said. "Castle Frankenstein!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mendax is Latin for Liar, or at least that's what Google Translate told me.


	8. Dr. Frankenstein

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a name like Frankenstein, he should be a decent medic for a monster team.

After buying out an entire brewery's worth of beer, the team set off for Castle Frankenstein. It was rather noticeable in the landscape. What other place had perpetual lightning?

Scout stayed back in the inn. He'd watched too many horror movies to go near any place owned by Frankenstein. The two Pyros stayed behind with him. They didn't trust doctors.

Spy knocked on the door. He heard shuffling and straightened his tie.

"Bonjour, my fine..." His eyes widened. Standing at the door was a bug-eyed, greasy-haired hunchback.

"Are you here to vithit Baron Frankenthtein?" the man said. "He'th been expecting you."

"I'm guessing you're his lab assistant?"

"Well, there'th not much I can do with my current condition," the lab assistant replied.

* * *

The team found themselves in the middle of a huge lab, that was, after descending a staircase.

Bottles of unknown liquids... a huge table... this truly was a laboratory fit for a mad scientist.

The team leader paused to count heads: Soldier, Engineer, Spy... Where'd Demoman go?

Ludwig Frankenstein approached the team. "Are you the ones I've been hearing about?"

"They are," his assistant said.

"Excellent, Josef," Ludwig said. "You may have the rest of the night off."

Josef scurried up the stairs.

Ludwig turned his attention to the group. "Ludwig von Frankenstein, at your service."

* * *

The Demoman lost all sense of direction and accidentally stumbled upon the parlor where the Baroness was enjoying some tea.

The Baroness, Katrina, was a blonde, middle aged woman. Still lovely.

"And who are you?" Katrina asked.

"I'm..." Demoman's drunken state made him stumble over his words.

* * *

Dr. Frankenstein was a little harder to win over than the others. It took weeks of convincing.

And what was this about his wife and the Dullahan? Were they really having a secret affair?

The doctor didn't notice. He was too busy discussing matters with his new employers.

* * *

The Medic spent his last day in Germany packing his bags. An announcement on the radio mentioned something about an angry Ice Troll somewhere in Russia. A smile crossed his face.

"Maybe I can catch my new friends an Ice Troll," he said. He shut his suitcase and left the castle.

Katrina, he hoped, would carry on his experiments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter, well, part of it, was inspired by a domination line.


	9. Snow In Russia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Friend made over food...

After bribing Russian Officials (Medic had gold and a few monster manuals), the team ventured into Russian territory.

He was the one who decided to set out to find the troll.

A local guide led him to... a normal Russian house. Ice trolls lived in caves. Strange.

Medic knocked on the door and hid. He took the time to make himself a sandwich.

A gigantic troll opened the door. He sniffed the air, lured by the smell.

* * *

Medic clutched the plate that his sandwich sat on. He looked up at the troll.

"Sandvich," The troll said. Medic took his bonesaw and cut the sandwich in two. He handed half to the troll.

"Da," the troll said.

* * *

"Where'd Doc go?" Scout asked. It was nearly midnight. Demoman was snoring quite loudly.

Someone knocked at the door.

Soldier was awake and he opened the door. He screamed.

"Red menace..." he said.

* * *

"Ah, don't vorry," Medic said. "Mischa here would be perfect for our cause. Just give him a mini-gun."

* * *

The team was very nearly assembled. The Medic listened to a radio program about a strange creature created by scientists from New Zealand. A creature that was loose in Australia. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Short update.


	10. Camper Van Creature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One last merc to get... and this one's a little thorny

The eight mercenaries traveled deep into the bush. Mr. Mundy, the monster, was not the most social type. The locals said he lived in a van, which made the entire team laugh. What kind of monster lives in a van?

Each member had a machete or similar implement in hand.

"Doc, what do you know about Mr. Mundy?" Scout asked.

"He's... a unique monster," Medic replied.

Spy screamed. His suit was drenched in a foul-smelling liquid.

"Hold on," Medic replied. He scurried over to Spy and squeezed his suit. The liquid was yellow and smelled like human urine.

* * *

Medic had to do a few tests on the liquid. This was not urine, it was more similar to... nectar.

"We're dealing with a plant monster," Medic said.

Spy grumbled about needing industrial-strength herbicide.

* * *

Mr. Mundy was thankful that someone had abandoned a van in the middle of the Aussie wilderness. He quickly, pardon the pun, took root inside.

"Got him good," he remarked. In his hand was a picture of when he drenched Spy in... fluid.

There was a knock at the van door.

Spy stood at the door, pruners in hand.

"I'll make your remains into ratatouille, you son of an eggplant," Spy sneered.

Mr. Mundy shook his head. "You've got the wrong bio-experiment!" A vine wrapped itself around Spy's waist. A large Venus Flytrap opened. Spy narrowed his eyes. The Flytrap looked way too small to swallow him. It looked big enough to eat a whole pizza.

"Are you doing that just to scare me?" Spy asked.

"Maybe," Mr. Mundy said.

* * *

Medic was watching from the bushes. He and Heavy were tagging along for protection.

"Ah, nature's wonders," Medic sighed. "He's a carnivorous plant."

Mr. Mundy caught sight of the doctor. "What are you doing?"

Medic lowered his binoculars. "I... brought you a peace offering."

He carried a large ham in his hands.

"Here!" Mr. Mundy dropped Spy and took the ham.

The flytrap ate well that night.

* * *

Thankfully, Mr. Mundy could retract his plant parts, which made travel easier.

After talk with the team, they discovered that their new member was an accomplished sniper.

Sniper. That sounded like a good name.

* * *

Sniper sat on the plane back to the base next to Engineer. He had to sit between him and Spy because the two were growling at each other.

Scout looked behind him. Was it just him or were Medic and Heavy a little too friendly?

* * *

Anne breathed a sigh of relief. Back to work and an opportunity to put this "Fools Errand" behind her. No more chasing trolls, mad doctors, and zombies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's over... Maybe I'll do a sequel if I feel up to it.
> 
> Thank you for giving kudos and comments. I really appreciate it.

**Author's Note:**

> I Had this idea in my head for ten years and I'm finally turning it into a fic.


End file.
